28th July 2019
Dearest Mother
In the many summers that have passed, I have never been able to be in Singapore to celebrate your birthday with you because we would have been away. This year I am here and know that on your special day — I would be saying a prayer for having you in my life.
It has been so long since I have seen you. I have missed you every single day. Sometimes I dream of you coming to see me, smiling at me.
In February this year as you would remember I went away to Bali for a retreat to find myself. I am giving you this Shield which I have worked on during my retreat. It may not look like much — but let me explain.
Life has beginning’s — we formulate our ideas of paradise when we are young and with that we pursue our dreams. You are my dream mum. Always have been. Since I was a little girl, being with you has been my comfort. I know that life was hard, you were in a bad place and I was too young to understand the sacrifices or what was really happening. But there are times, moments that have been ingrained in my mind. This shield will tell you my story, my personal story which I know you have never understood. I am a grown person now, much of who I am, I know you do not agree with. My choices have disappointed you, and for that I am sorry. But you are my mother, and nothing would ever change that. My heart is open, clear and light. I have found my path, my way, and it is a clear one that I try to teach and impart onto Sophie.
The objective of the retreat was to heal. Everyone that went there — was looking for something. As you knew, I was hurting very badly. The months from last summer — you have watch me suffer in pain. It took this process of self reflection to find who I am.
On this Shield, you will see 5 sections. The first is Paradise. The symbols may not make sense to you but let me explain. The topic was “Paradise” — what was my first child hood memory of happiness. In this section, I depicted you and I. You are the bigger figure in purple and I the little child in brown. We were in an elevator. Do you remember you used to walk me across the street to the bakers, and you would buy a baguette for the next day — you would indulge me and allow me to nibble the top of the baguette on the way home. I remember that one day, when we were in the elevator in Ang Mo Kio heading down to the shops. You were dressed in a blue T Shirt and Blue shorts. I had asked you if I could buy a snack that would cost 5 of 5cents which I had saved up. You smiled at me, and took my little hand and placed it on your chest — you told me you loved me and you would let me buy the treat which came in a blue box with a Doremon cartoon on it. It was filled with little balls of chocolates. You told it 5 of 5cents made $0.25cents. The oval shaped thing behind you was the symbol I drew of the baguette and the box in which your figure and I were encased was an elevator. That mum, is one of my happiest memories of you and I.
The second is labeled Paradise Lost. This was when my childhood happiness was shattered. In this, you will see you again, the larger figure in purple and me the little one. The box represented the bathroom in Ang Mo Kio. The grey circles represent our sadness. I remember that day — as I have written in an affidavit for you when you had to litigate a case with dad. The walls were blue in those days. I woke up one morning and Gigi was looking sad. You were in the bathroom — in the picture the squares depicted the tiles. I was scared because Gigi said you tried to hurt yourself. Dad was standing outside the bathroom looking sullen. I walked in and you were sitting on the toilet seat, leaning against the wall crying. Gigi said you tried to kill yourself by smashing your head against the wall. I did not know what to make of it — but it was then that I knew what an affair was. My mother had wanted to hurt herself because my dad had another woman. From that day, my world changed. As the years went by, our family saw many of those horrors. I remember calling home when I was in primary school asking Gigi to make sure you did not leave the house. I was always so afraid mum.
As the years went by, I was lonely. So lonely mum. That was why I would always want to have my friends come over to play with me and that made you angry. I was so envious of the children that had mums that stayed at home — they had warm meals, mums who helped them wash their uniforms, combed their hair before school and were there when they came home. I was even sad when you took up the hair dressing class — because in the evenings, I was looking forward to seeing you after having missed you all day while you were at work. In those days, we did not know how to convey our feelings. We still do not. When you were away, I would be the one to stay up waiting for daddy to come home.
When Grandma passed, the loneliness really set in. I was totally alone. School was not a place I enjoyed. I was lonely. I saw my friends who had their parents to talk to, to discuss things with, I never dared look towards you or dad. I saw you struggling and did not ever want to bother you. I made my mistakes and you forgave me. I was lost mum and did not even know.
Since I was a teenager all I wanted was a family — to be a mum, to raise my children — to have the dream family and home we never had. That would be the 3rd section of the Shield — entitled Paradise Regained Vision. The circle represented family, the triangle a home and the swirls my family. That was all I ever wanted. A family. I centered my whole life on it. I know you do not understand. Raising both Hugo and Sophie myself was everything to me. I was there when they took their first steps, fed them their first taste of food and held them when they cried. When I had Hugo, I was so young — he is now more yours than mine. I love you so much my mother — I gave my son to you. I remind Hugo all the time that he is to love you for you love him above all else, and know that to him — you are number one. You always will be even though he may not show me. I am just the mother that bore him, but he is your light and the apple of your eye. He came at a time when we needed something to love and you showed me how to care for a child.
When Sophie came along — I wanted a child that was mine — so I kept her close. By then Hugo was already lost to me. I love Hugo and always will. When he needs me I will be there, but I do not tell him what to do. He is grown and his own person. I understand what he wants. I am only sad that Hugo does not love his sister as much as she loves him. But such is life. And the fault is no one but mine.
I too have a mother’s guilt. I know you do as well. I blame myself for everything, including the things that are said about me that are not true. Do you remember one day a year and some ago, we were sitting at Ya Kun with Sophie and Hugo for coffee and Toast — and you said to me “if you had been working all the while, you would have been somebody by now”. Your words brought tears to my eyes, I was deeply hurt. I was hurt that my mum thinks I am a no body because I do not have a job. I raised two children. I raised them well. They are both good children with good values. I have done all that I could for them — and they are my biggest achievement. I would never change a thing. Being there when Sophie comes home, knowing that its her comfort to have me there because she has used up all her goodness at school is the one thing that she looks forward to. The meals I make, the cuddles, the little things that I do that no one notices, for Sophie, or even for Mark — these are the things that bring me happiness. Just like you, I love doing things for others. I don’t say I love you as often — I show it by doing. Just like you do. I am more like you than you realize, and all the good and kindness that is in me, I learnt from you.
The 4th Section is My Quest — you will see a triangle depicting a house — my home, now left with just Sophie and I since Mark has left. It is hard mum. It has been very hard and painful the months from last summer till Jan. I spent so much time hurting because I based my whole life on my family. Mark was my biggest love. I gave everything into my family. Each night when we went to sleep, Mark would lie across from me, looking at me with his blue eyes and I would say “ a life time is not enough”. When we slept, our feet would always touch and he would always hold me. I never slept till he returned home, despite the hour. I never told you of how hard it has been. I never told you because I did not want you to know and to worry. Since 2005, and after Sophie’s birth, it got hard even as it seemed it got better. I only showed what was good. There is no point in telling anyone what really went on. I remember one evening you called a few years ago — I was out to dinner with my girl friend, from my voice you could hear I was sad, and you said you will come to me immediately. How I wish you would be that mother now, how I wish I could come to you mum. I miss you so. So in this 4th Section, where you see Sophie and I depicted in our little home — that was my quest. To rebuild a life for Sophie and I. That is all I want. To rebuild.
But as the retreat went on, I realized as it came to the final Section of the shield what my paradise is to be — it is meant to be me. And so you will see in the triangle a lone Dragon amidst the symbol of a dragon I. I have always said I am the Dragon’s child. Born to two dragons — you and dad, and myself in the year of the dragon and Long being our last name — I am truly a dragon.
So this is the me that I have discovered — that life going forward should no longer be about making other people the center of my life. I do my duty, I love my family, including Mark despite it all. 15 years of love does not fade in a heart beat. But life goes on and I have Sophie. She is a brave fine child. I am so proud of her. She misses you, the family. Please ask to see her if you wish. I have never kept her from seeing you. You know that. All I ask is that your words be kind to her feelings. She needs a family and it is hard for her. I want her to have a family as she did. I always did.
The reason I give this to you is to share with you, that you have always been in my thoughts. Every single day. And on this day, I want my mother to know that she is loved by me, always and forever, come what may.
I may not be the daughter that you wished I was, but I am happy. I have found peace in meditation, peace in establishing life with Sophie. We make a new life for ourselves despite the hardships. She is beyond brave mum. If only you could see. I hope one day I would see you again.
Happy Birthday mum. You are in my thoughts. When I go to the Novena, and look upon the Lady, it is you that I think of, it is you that I miss. I pray with Sophie every night. I teach her faith and want her to have faith in goodness.
Know that every day though you don’t wish to see me, your daughter loves you, dreams about you and is your biggest fan. I know the words in the affidavit are not yours. It is ok. I love you and my love is unconditional. You are the best and most generous of women, and I am proud to call you my mother.
Happy birthday my darling mother. Keep your daughter in your heart sometimes when you take a moment. Rest, and know that you have a child that loves you. Always.
Your loving daughter
Amelia
